Hello Out There...

Is it just me or is anyone else finding the grind of summer exhausting? Seriously. If you are out there, please let me know as I am starting to really doubt my parenting skills. I think the memory of youth I am trying to recreate maybe happened to me beginning at the age of 7 or 8, not 4. Between teaching, prepping to teach (under great duress as I never leave myself enough time), fulfilling the studio obligations (kind of), squeezing in an occasional walk/yoga practice, running a household and most importantly refereeing/ entertaining the kids, I am running all day long. How well am I really doing any of these things? When I feel great about teaching yoga, I don't feel so good about parenting. When my parenting is on, my yoga life is off. How does one strike a balance anyways? Or is it just me? and if it is just me, what is it that prevents me from achieving balance? One of my favorite Desikichar quotes is "the goal of yoga is to act in such a way that all of our attention is directed towards the activity in which we are currently engaged" When I am at the yoga studio I could not be more fully present. It is my reward for teaching. I am in the moment. I am engaged with the activity. At home? Aren't we pulled TNE THOUSAND different directions? My kids need something (mostly my attention - and lots of it), meals to be made, laundry, bills, phone calls, gardening, yard work, and on and on and ON. I rarely feel connected with one task. I clearly am falling short of of practicing what I preach.

I finished teaching at noon. Returned home to STARVING children and a hungry mom - me. Got us all fed, we sat down read a few books, sent them to different rooms for some quiet time ( Piper and Ivy really have a hard time being away from each other, they sneaked into the playroom together after about 10 minutes) Ellie helped me empty the dishwasher (she is such a great little helper), did the dishes - breakfast and lunch, returned a few calls, attempted to tackle the blueberries we picked yesterday-wash, sort and freeze, my mother in law dropped off the beets she is growing for me since mine didn't come up, put them in the pile with the blueberries and now my CSA delivery (at this point...seriously, what is wrong with Safeway??) then off to swim. Could have skipped that. Ellie wasn't feeling well and sure enough, the highlight of my day, she started puking on the way home and poor thing, just let her rip. She is asleep now, but something tells me it ain't over. Got dinner, lost it with Piper, sent her to time-out, fed them, fed myself, emptied Ellie's puke bucket, and at 7:30 Shawn got home and I hit the couch to blog and try and figure this whole thing out....is this just life with 3 kids? Do I make our lives harder than they need to be? (yes, I already know that...too many expectations, but I am working on it.)

How do you practice what you preach? I did one of my favorite breathing exercises in class today: "breathing in compassion, breathing out expectations" and revisited the brahmaviharas (pathways for developing more loving relationships with ourselves and others - today I talked about compassion. ) I have cycled right back to where I started: overwhelmed with my obligations, underwhelmed with my role as a parent, loving my kids to DEATH, but yet doubting my ability to raise them well and yet knowing that this is my yoga - finding the balance because this is IT. This is my life, one shot, one moment, one opportunity......

Better sort those blueberries.

Realism

It is Friday evening - 8:20. Kids in bed, hubby out of town and I told myself I would watch a movie or a show. I use to live for movies. I think because I go to bed so early that when it comes right down to it, it simply gets to be too late. I can't remember if I already blogged about this, but a yoga teacher, Max Strom, said to watch the news once a week. I use to watch the Today show every morning. When you tune out, you get to the point where you can't even tune in - not even for 5 minutes. It is so depressing. I don't feel like I am missing out. Really, the only thing that I ever really followed were the human interest stories anyways. Maybe I pretended to tune in to the latest political outrage, but in reality, I didn't. Even now, I ALWAYS flip to the very last pages of the Time magazine - the human interest section - the movies, books, etc. I think I already consciously know there aren't a ton of good movies out there that I am missing. I LOVE a good movie, but how often does that happen? Like the news, if it doesn't capture the human experience (in a positive light), I am out. I would rather read my book (except I fall asleep). So sad.

I saw a fantastic movie a few weeks ago - Mother and Child. So wonderfully acted, so beautifully told. Annette Bening and Naomi Watts are the adoptive mother and daughter who never meet and spend a solid portion of their lives mourning the loss. It was so.....real. Does that make me a realist? In fact, pre-kids I would thrive on those dark, depressing, intense films that just dove right into the harsh reality of life. I am not much of an escapist - seldom do I really like a mindless chick flick, but the problem is I can no longer watch many of the art films, so maybe that is why when it comes down to it, I don't watch many movies. Then again, maybe I just know our routine - early risers and busy days. A realist.

We were in San Diego over the 4th. My sis in law went all out - she was such a gracious hostess and stocked the house with lots of food and beer - and just went with the flow as we overran her newly remodeled beautiful, modern home. My niece and nephew have to be two of the nicest kids I have ever been around. I am not saying that as their aunt, I am saying that as an admirer of good parenting. They are a direct product of amazing parents - loving, involved, dedicated, and above all else CONSISTENT. I have been floundering in the consistency department this summer - (gonna get right back on that tomorrow). My sis in law took it even a notch higher than food and beer and scheduled a private yoga lesson on the bluff overlooking La Jolla (fabulous). We spent a day at the beach, eating, drinking, talking, FRYING ourselves and laughing at Jeff who said he got stung by a sting ray (he did). We spent a looong day at the zoo, adults drinking margaritas, kids just powering though - animal after animal - (the difference between traveling with 4 year olds as opposed to 3 year olds, is mind-boggling). We hung out at a neighborhood block party and just rocked out to my brother's band ( WTF? Seriously. How can one sibling get all of the talent? No offense to my younger brother - we certainly have our strengths, but playing in a rock band and leading trauma surgeons are not among them...where does that talent come from?? Why wasn't it more equally distributed?) We watched fireworks from their deck and the kids spent endless hours in the hot tub and pool. My other sis in law and I snuck out to Nordstrom Rack and went on a manic shopping spree ( I actually might have drooled at one point...oh the things I miss and didn't even know it, namely, FASHION.) We were gaga. We unknowingly drug our kids on the the Journey to Atlantis water "slide" at Sea World and it is debatable who clung to whom harder - Mommy or Ivy (it was just awful...had I known...but they actually ended up loving it...it is really only me with the lasting trauma), we ate authentic Indian food from two generations of Indian cooks after graciously being invited (all 13 of us) to a friend's ultra-modern, ultra-cool home overlooking Pacific Beach (such lovely hosts....you know if you are immediately comfortable in a home straight out of Architectural Digest it is the sign of gifted hosts). We ate, drank, slept like queens and kings - one night I slept 10 hours (freakin' TEN hours - not sure I have ever really slept ten hours) and didn't think about yoga once. It was a true vacation.

And best of all, I left overwhelmed with gratitude for my siblings and their families. At the end of the day - family is it. It just is. Realism.

Can Tequila and Yoga live Side by Side......?

It is 5:30 a.m. and I am 2 days into a wicked hangover. The irony of it: my hangover is from a surprise party thrown in honor of my yoga certification completion/studio coup. All those gurus don't spend much time addressing hangovers, but I can imagine it is because when you look at the sutras - the study of discipline, cleanliness, non-harming, just to name a few, over-consuming tequila kind of blows those tenets out of the water. Furthermore, the nasty fight I had with my husband 2 hours before the party didn't bode well for setting the stage for a mellow evening. I was feisty and struggling with some conflicting emotions. Those fights are always about so much more than the egg I asked him to make Ellie that morning, and didn't. That old monkey on my back - resentment - was rearing its ugly head and I was bitter about spending my Saturday without attending my usual yoga class, while my husband went flying and completed his household chores, which of course weren't the chores I was hoping for. You have to honor what you need. The balance was off-set and that same fight - you get yours, when do I get mine? came to the surface. Marriage is hard work - worth every single blood, sweat and tear, but if you don't recognize your backsliding before it happens, then that escalating turmoil snowballs and the end result: throwing a cup of water at my husband. (it got his attention, that's for sure.) So, the stage was set for a non-yoga filled evening.

I needed those 3 shots of tequila. All the yoga in the world can't suppress those wild-side tendencies. I seldom let go like that anymore. For one: the repercussions of a hangover and parenting 3 kids is usually enough to stop me dead in my tracks. Secondly, it is rare that I don't have to teach yoga the next day and a hungover yoga teacher is so not appealing. Furthermore, I tend to air on the side of control freak and tequila makes me lose control. So, when a fellow yoga teacher offered to sub, I quite literally grabbed whomever's drink was at my side and powered it down. The tequila quickly followed and I let my hair down (and tried to go streaking and skinny-dipping, but thankfully the party died down.)

The reason we have close friends is so we can let go and step outside our everyday roles. They don't care what we say or do because they are our friends and family and love us no matter what. I had a few PDA (post drinking anxiety, acronym compliments of Amy Fackler) moments yesterday where I asked myself if I had done the right thing: slamming tequila at a party celebrating my yoga accomplishments. Had it not been close friends, I wouldn't have done it. Owning your own yoga business certainly comes with responsibility and if I am going to attempt to live and TEACH those 8 limbs of yoga, then I have to model them. But shedding that role and celebrating with friends (my good friend tequila, especially) is also living my yoga. I was filled with such gratitude that people would take the time to celebrate and was so touched and once again overcome with emotion for my good fortune - to be blessed with friends, family and...tequila.

"Beans, Beans the Magical Fruit...."

It has been a great morning. We have been cooking up a storm and it motivated me to post some new recipes. I have a new favorite granola recipe from Bon Apetit. That magazine has really changed. It is so much less gourmet and like all publications, follows the local food craze movement, so many of the recipes feature lots of produce. I LOVE granola. I eat it by the handful - often. I then moved on to strawberry yogurt bars. After paying $9 for a box of 12 strawberry fancy schmancy frozen yogurt bars, I thought, " I can make these myself. "

Well, it is several days later and like many of my aborted blogs, this one too went to the wayside. I have been catching up on sleep since the yoga blitz and also I can't stop reading Olive Kitteridge. I was on the wait list at the library forever. It is a great, quick read, not oppressively heavy, but not marshmallow whip either. It is about: the human condition. All of my favorite books are, and aren't most books about the human condition? It is a pretty safe bet to answer that when asked about ANY book. I finished Let the Great World Spin (about the human condition via NYC during the time the man in '74 walked the tight-wire between the twin towers.) Apparently there is a great movie out about that feat: Man on a Wire, but just writing the name makes my tummy flip. Any time the story changed in this book to the account of the tight- rope, my stomach would turn. I could barely read it, and as fascinating as I think the movie would be, I could never watch it. Fear of heights. Fortunately, like many good novels, it weaves in and out of these shared experiences during that time period, weaving them together as the book unfolds. Olive K follows that pattern as well. Just when you think there is no way the writer is going to tie this in as well, he, or she, does.

So back to my cooking. It is a humbling experience to say my strawberry bars were a dismal second to Annie's or whatever brand they were. First, I didn't add enough sugar, second, they aren't creamy, even though I used full fat Greek yogurt. They aren't awful, but let's just say the kids aren't begging for them. I am going to work on this recipe and see what transpires. I think I might follow the fudgesicle recipe, but substitute strawberries. Not as easy as the recipe I created (put strawberries, yogurt, agave nectar into blender. blend. put in molds) but maybe they would be creamy. Then again Ivy powered hers down tonight, so maybe I will just tweak that concept.

I am not a "good" cook (very decent, I might add), but I am an adventurous, creative, and healthy cook. I don't like to waste, and am becoming JUST like my mom and grandma before her in that I am even more frugal in certain areas as I age. The upside: Often I rely on what is available to me at that moment to cook. The downside: there are some misses. Honestly though, we do pretty well and tend to incorporate a lot of local goods in our diet. It is important to me and so easy living in this valley. That being said...I am over growing my own food. It is too much work to have a big garden and I am just not that into it, especially now that my CSA delivers on Thursday and I go to the market after my class on Sunday. It is cheap, fast, and easy. Gardening, unless you love it, is not that easy. This will be my last year as a gardner. I am going to use one raised bed for cut-flowers and plant the other with a few herbs and such.

I love letting go of things - especially those things that I do and then suddenly realize I don't HAVE to do them. (Another cross off my list: growing my own flowers from seed. A relatively easy task, but not really.) I think when you start working again you give yourself permission to let go of these things. Or, maybe I just don't like yard work.

So back to food. I have been really into rice and beans. Those that know me know that when I am gung-ho a certain food, or recipe, I will cook it and eat it OVER and OVER again. So, my last batch of beans I was trying to mimic my friend who is an amazing cook. I always try and make things too healthy - which sometimes works, but sometimes not. I was trying to replicate these ranch beans and as I was soaking them the other morning I told Shawn I was making them, but leaving out the bacon. His comment: why bother? Well, true to form, my beans just tasted like a BIG batch of chili beans. They were pretty tasty, but Shawn came home yesterday and informed me my beans "wreck" him. I argued all beans have that effect. He informed me he has NEVER had this problem until I gave up canned beans and started cooking my own. I don't have that problem, and my kids, who loved the last batch, don't seem to either. When I told him I was making veggie chili (which sounds so NOT good in summer, but I am having a hard time coming up with some new and innovative ways to use beans and I still have some to use) he BEGGED me, please no more beans. So I thawed some hamburger and made tacos, not even taco salad, my usual, no I did him proud and served corn tortillas, cheese, meat and avocado and saved the salad for the side (butter lettuce...UNBELIEVABLE. It is one of my favorites and a beautiful head of it was $2 at the market. $2! Love it! ) The tacos were really good and my hubby and kids were in heaven, and actually so was I. Easy prep, easy cook, and I was starving.

This morning I made a batch of my bran muffins (yet another recipe I have done to death, but my kids are eating me out of house and home and it makes a huge batch.) Usually I add blueberries, but am out until the season begins (which I can't believe - in just a few short weeks) so I added zucchini and raisins.

Bran Muffins

This is a great base for all sorts of add-ins – I have done blueberries, strawberries, peaches, raisins, carrots, zucchini…nothing is bad in them! The recipe also makes over 2 dozen, depending on what you add, and freezes well, so you can grab a few for kids’ snacks (mom’s snack too)

2 cups All Bran cereal

2/3 c. wheat bran

2-3 TB flax

1 1/3 c. boiling water

1 1/3 cup whole wheat flour

1 1/3 c white flour

1 TB baking soda

1 tsp cinnamon

½ tsp salt

¼ tsp nutmeg

2 cups buttermilk

2 eggs

3/4 cup sugar

1/4 c brown sugar

½ cup oil

1 tsp vanilla

Mix cereal and wheat bran in a large bowl. Add boiling water, stir well and set aside for 1 hour. Whisk flour, baking soda, cinnamon, salt, and nutmeg in a medium bowl. Add 1 cup buttermilk to bran mixture, stir well. Add remaining buttermilk, eggs, sugras, oil and vanilla, stir well. Add flour mixture, stir well, add your add-ins. Fill lined muffin pans 2/3 full and bake 20-25 minutes at 350.

My kids are in VBS. Or VBW as Shawn calls it (vacation brain-washing) this week. Today they were playing Jesus in the pool. They really didn't get past Jesus in their dialogue, but clearly they were saying it as a lesson from camp, not as a swear word (a common one in our house....) They quickly moved on to mermaid, their favorite game and they had much greater imaginative dialogue. They don't quite get it, but Ivy did have a talk with God this morning. She also launched into a big, long description about the pillows they made today. Since I am trying to be a good VBS participant, I asked her what the message was today and she told me pillows are good for sleeping. When I asked all 3 of them if the message could be, "God's word is comforting" (which is right on the pillow) they looked at me blankly, so I think Shawn needn't worry about any lasting brain-washing. I think the whole affair is sweet. Sweet messages, sweet arts and crafts, sweet songs, all of it good, clean, harmless fun. I lived it as a kid too. So much of summer is reliving your youth.

Overcome with Emotion

The house is quiet. Shawn has to leave at 4:30 a.m. for cherry harvest and I have to leave at 5 am to teach yoga. Who is going to babysit at 5 am? Grandma to the rescue. They just left to spend the night and Shawn went back to work. It is so blissfully quiet. The doors are open, the breeze passing through - I am just one with my computer.

I love summer break. The kids fight, drive me crazy, each other crazy, but I feel like I have all of the time in the world. I can't get over that: how is it possible that they were at school all morning and now being home all day I feel like I have all the time in the world- not every meal is rushed, our mornings (as early as ever) laze by and I feel so much more connected, so much more in the moment with the kids. Then again, it is the way I grew up - swimming every day, lots of treats and fun activities - a mom meeting all of our needs. This life seems natural to me. Even with the week of yoga blitz. maybe that is it too. all of the prep is done and that is always the hardest part. I am teaching so many classes they just kind of flow out of me, then it is home to watch the kids swim - not eek out one more task. My kids are fishes. I was too. I have to drag them out of the pool and it is not even 70 degrees outside. Of course, I swam like that AND the pool was 75, not 88 like it is now. These are the times where you see the beauty of cycles repeating themselves. I can give to them what was given to me.

I do have periods of profound exhaustion. The kids are so good, though. I can say, " kids, mom's going down for 5" as I pass out on the couch. They let me take my power nap and manage to not fight for 10 minutes, or like yesterday, fall asleep on the couch next to me. I need it - desperately. I use to worry about that. I feel like I should have more energy, but teaching takes it out of me - especially back to back classes. Shawn assured me tonight when you are passionate about something and you give it your all, it is exhausting. Particularly tonight. I started teaching my class this morning and the studio was full and suddenly I looked out at these people and i was absolutely overcome with emotion, quite literally overcome. I poured out my gratitude and was so appreciative - for everything - for the turn out for blitz week, for the most amazing, dedicated, passionate teachers, for my re-connection to yoga, for this opportunity to run a studio. I looked out at my yoga teacher/friend and thought of her nearly 3 years later, constantly giving to yoga and receiving so little payment in return, and even if it is for one week - knowing she finally was compensated this week- that she was given back to for all she has given, and daring to believe we can make a go of it. That yesterday 9 people, 9 people would show up at 5:30 am on a FREEZING cold morning to practice yoga outdoors. What dedication. I found myself saying that it exceeded my wildest expectations, but maybe why this has all been so rewarding is because I can say honestly and whole-heartedly, I have had no expectations. I think I do it because I am so passionate about it and know the difference it has made in my life. To be able to live like that - to walk through life without any expectations - the power of that. I felt it today.

What a week. WHAT A WEEK. I feel like my mind has been blown wide open. I have moved from disconnected to connected and am so exhausted, but so calm too. Dare I say that this really is what happens to you when you live your yoga? Every single class I have attended has re-energized, inspired, motivated and FREED me. As I took my studio partner's class yesterday, I felt so much genuine affection and gratitude towards her - things I have taken for granted as I have let the business side rule me lately. To leave class and feel connected, isn't that all you can really ask for? To go home and not be overwhelmed by tasks, but to flow with them instead? To truly see your children, see them, watch them, listen to them play. To peel away the layers, to lift the veil, to see things a bit more clearly - that is what these moments offer. Letting go of the ego, the expectations, the fear, the attachment, all of it slipping away for these periods of time. Not only relishing this phase, but allowing yourself to know it will pass and the next phase you will learn even more.

Finding the Light

I am falling off the blogging wagon. My manic-ness has slowed down and I am not up at all hours cranking out studio tasks. I have been in a funk the past few days. I am struggling with balance. We had a family filled weekend with a ballet recital, a rainy Sunday matinee and guests from out of town. I didn't squeeze out any time for myself and I can feel it. I am struggling with channeling any positive energy and falling flat in my spiritual quest. I am having trouble connecting.

Where do these funks come from?

It is Saturday afternoon and after continuing in my funk all week, I decided to do something about it. The yoga blitz week starts tomorrow. I will be teaching 9 classes this week. I decided if I am going to ask people to up their commitments, I had better renew my own. And to survive it, I need something for myself. I have decided to attend class for 13 days straight. I am day 4. 2 of the days I will have to practice on my own, but the others I am going to class. I need it. I have been more focused on other limbs of yoga and my asana practice kind of cruises steadily along, and I haven't really felt the need to practice, REALLY practice, not just do a few poses here and there until I realized it is possibly contributing to my unbalanced thought processes lately. My husband and I have been NON-simpatico and I feel like I am drowning in tasks - AGAIN. I knew what I needed to do to reach out to him, but I was stubborn and wanted him to do it first. I read my Meditations from the Mat this morning and new what I needed to do - "If you want to end darkness, you can't beat it with a baseball bat, you have to turn on a light." I apologized and vowed to be a better wife. As I read further, I came across a passage I had seen before. Lately this has been happening to me. I will read something and know I have seen it before, or maybe heard it in the context of a yoga class. I think this quote was also in my fellow yoga teacher's blog.

"We do not need to enter a showdown with our self-destructive behavior, nor can we deny its existence. We must simply come to know it, and move on. We learn to focus wholeheartedly on positive behavior."

I have to increase the amount of time, energy and thinking I spend on positive behavior. Period. So after I came home from yoga suddenly overwhelmed with being in charge of 2 high-energy four year olds while hubby and eldest are camping and the seemingly long list of tasks that await me WITH those high energy ones in tow: going to Costco, preparing for my mother-in-law's birthday party, finishing the yard work (what the heck do you do with the freakin' pile of compost that stinks to high heaven?), taking the girls swimming, and doing the final tasks for the blitz week, I re-evaluated. I took the girls to the art show at Chalet (Ivy was 1 inch away from taking out an entire jewelry display), bought myself my first piece of jewelry by local artist Lucy Valderhaug (my old sex ed teacher) ( a bit of a rush decision as Ivy had moved on the wooden figurines), bailed on Costco ( so not into it) and instead let them pick out nail polish at Walgreen's and polished our nails. They are beyond exhausted and asleep and I treated myself to a People magazine, a blog, and the celebration of little successes. I deserve it. If you don't pause to celebrate the good stuff, why bother teaching about it?

Ode to Ivy

My back is spasming. This is the first time it has happened in ages and it wasnt an acute attack, I noticed it spasming after my morning class and as the morning went on it grew worse and worse. I have been icing, doing mini-walks, and taking IBU and some north-of-the-border muscle relaxants that have done nothing but knock me out. Fortunately, I was able to find a sub and canceled my private. I have no idea what the rest of the week will hold, but since it is a busy teaching week I sure hope it is better by tomorrow. The one thing I do know after years of low back issues, if it is bad, it's bad, so I am choosing to lie low and not think about the future.

I had the opportunity to catch up on some yoga readings and in particular I re-read an article about internal busyness. Once again I was reminded of the beauty of the "gap" those periods of stillness where you notice things - where the magic happens. I have been wanting to blog about my time with Ivy last Friday, but spent a good portion of the weekend dodging rain showers and pecking away at yard work, hence the back, I am sure, and cleaning out drawers, again, the back, and while I am confessing, I am sure teaching my many yoga classes with out a lick of exercise last week didn't help much either, but one thing I know about injury: it is my greatest teacher.

The intersting thing about twins is you rarely observe them without the other. I remember when Ivy was maybe 9 months old, I had to take her to the cardiologist and it was the first time in her little bitty life that it was just she and I. I remember how odd it was, and how I vowed then and there to try and do things with them individually. It hasn't happened much, except for the occasional special occasion and sometimes doctor visits. I love those visits! I see them clearly, as individuals. When I was so worried about Ivy's attention span this winter and took her for her well-child check independent of Piper, I saw how wonderfully different she and Piper are. Ivy is her own little individual, independent, curious child who feels life's injustices passionately and doesn't always have the verbal skills to communicate her frustrations. She tries. She says, " I am frustrated" or "I am angry" but Ivy clearly marches to the beat of her own drum. She is Ivy and I accept her and love her exactly as she is, those yellow teeth from one of her many stumbles, her "speeches" you don't always understand. Her dances where she moves that little tooshy. She was so happy to be at the doctor and I can't help but think in part it is because she gets to be the center of attention. After the appointment we got ice-cream and the rest of the evening she was at my side - loving me (she is the least affectionate so it is a rare treat to be loved so freely). Even a trip to the doctor's office can be filled with unexpected gifts.