Ode to Procrastination

I am sitting here staring at a stack of bills, unfinished studio bookkeeping, and a list of tasks I am in no hurry to conquer. Sooooo....

My sister in law turned me on to this blog - my baking addiction. My bro in law is running his first marathon and I wanted to bake some hearty energy cookies to add to his "Old Man Marathon Runner Kit" comprised of things like Prep H, vaseline, and a few high energy items. Since at one time this was meant to be a cooking AND yoga blog, but my stack of recipes to share is piled up, I decided I would share this one and maybe my cooking blog will get kick-started.

It seems pretty easy to steal people's recipes and make a few adaptations and Voila! It is your own. So that is exactly what I did. I saw in the Relish Magazine a recipe for cookies using left over Halloween candy, so I first stole that idea, but I did want to add some heartiness to them so I came across this recipe for Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip cookies which I adapted. I meant to throw in some nuts and raisins too, but I forgot. The other thing that is great about this recipe is it is so easy. Cookies generally are, but something about the smaller amount of ingredient measurements made these a breeze and the girls basically did most of the work. ( I did have to hide the many trips back to the orange plastic pumpkins from which I pilfered.)

Reese's Peanut Butter, M&M, Oatmeal Cookies

Ingredients
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup white sugar
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
3/4 cup peanut butter
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 egg
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup rolled oats
1 cup chopped Reese's cups and M&Ms

Method
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2. In a medium bowl, cream together the butter, white sugar and brown sugar until smooth. Stir in the peanut butter, vanilla and egg until well blended. Combine the flour, baking soda and salt; stir into the batter just until moistened. Mix in the oats and candy until evenly distributed. Drop by tablespoonfuls on to lightly greased cookie sheets.
3. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes in the preheated oven, until the edges start to brown. Cool on cookie sheets for about 5 minutes before transferring to wire racks to cool completely.

They were worth the tummy ache I now have from tinkering with my recipe (more candy? YES? More? YES!)

BAN THE BAKING BAN!

Arriving at 2:03 yesterday at my daughter's school for her 2:00 cupcake party, I almost bypassed the office to check in, but at the last second veered left. Oh, what a mistake! I was told I could not bring my homemade cupcakes into the classroom. I must confess, I knew the policy, but last year decided it was a foolish rule, one I needn't abide by, and I got away with it. I think the kindergarten teacher turned a blind eye.

I couldn't believe it! It had been a day of sheer craziness (but with so many rewards too - like taking Ellie and Anna to Ferdinand the Bull at the Capitol theater and Red Robin after - priceless!) I was juggling one sick kid at my mom's (who is still incapacitated from foot surgery), I had to get my kids and the neighbor kids home to quickly transition to the next activity, wrap gifts, get dinner started, blah blah blah, we all know it...Anyways, it was all flowing relatively smoothly, (well my bumper was hanging off the front of my car and at some point I lost it entirely. Kinda retraced steps, but didn't really have time...who needs a bumper anyways??) until I was Heisman-ed at the front door of HM Gilbert Elementary. Can you imagine facing 27 (class size bit of a concern, but anti homemade baking policy more so) toothless first graders eagerly awaiting their afternoon treat? They were sitting so patiently (well minus the 15 boys who never sit. EVER.) with napkins at the ready. Oh, I almost burst into tears! My sweetest L who has been UNBELIEVABLE handled it all in good grace and I will be returning with lardcakes at 3:00 today.

So, here is the letter I wrote. I think instead of writing a letter to my local newspaper about supporting my favorite candidate (Michelle Strobel), I will send my letter instead. BAN THE BAKING BAN!

Good Morning,

I am writing this letter in hope that you will revisit Gilbert School's policy of not allowing home-baked goods. I understand this is NOT a district policy, as I have friends and relatives who bake for their kids' classrooms at both Nob Hill and Discovery Lab.

As you can imagine, I was disheartened yesterday when I wasn't allowed to bring my healthy (healthier!) homemade cupcakes into Ellie's classroom. I understand I should have researched it more fully, but I would still disagree with the policy. I was even more disheartened to visit the local grocery store chain and purchase cupcakes with unrecognizable ingredients.

My first concern is that in a nation filled with overweight kids, we are sending the entirely wrong message in discouraging parents to bake their own treats. Even a box mix of cupcakes is healthier than the trans-fat laden options at the store.

The quality time parents can spend with their children baking is not only a wonderful way to connect with our kids, but models healthy eating choices as well. By encouraging kids to explore and familiarize themselves with the kitchen at an early age, it sets the stage for developing cooking skills as they mature. One of my favorite activities is cooking with my daughters. They love it! It is rewarding in every possible way, not the least of which is creating something to share with others.

I am fully aware of the concern we have for children with nut allergies. Having a nephew who suffers from a peanut allergy, I know which products contain nuts, or are produced in a factory where nut products are manufactured. Because of the prevalence, I believe the majority of other parents do as well. Serving kids packaged treats is far riskier. There are so many more ways to contaminate.

The cost for pre-packaged treats is so much greater than making something at home. A box mix of cupcakes can be purchased for a $1. I spent $16 for cupcakes that I am not sure even qualify as cupcakes.

Lastly, the packaging goes straight to the landfill. 3 additional plastic containers unnecessarily wasted.

Please reconsider this policy! There are so many more reasons TO allow homemade treats than not.

Sincerely,

Megan Tweedy

The things we take for granted....

Tomorrow is my 43 birthday. My birthday always reminds me of a long, lost friend. We use to go around saying "we went to each other's 2 year old birthday party!" While we have lost touch for many stretches of time, it is a rare year when I don't receive a birthday phone call. This year it was a letter. How rare and how precious to hold a piece of paper in your hand and read it over and over. How often we discard our unwritten communications and miss out on the opportunity to re-read it, ponder, and file away into that keepsake box. It is sad to think letter writing is a thing of the past, a dying art my kids will make fun of me about, but embracing change is not always entirely positive.

Part of the letter read, "Anyhow, my days of doing anything to put me in this position are over. You can call me a late bloomer of full responsibility if you'd like. Freedom is so precious...In many aspects, I regard my time here as an unwanted, unplanned, and extended vacation. They cannot keep me here forever, nor can they break my spirit... Health remains my number one concern. I will remain eternally grateful to the State of ___ for meeting these needs...Much love to you and all the pilgrims on the path."

My friend is in jail and most likely will be for the foreseeable future. Not only that, but my friend recently was diagnosed with MS. Yet, the letter is filled with optimism, gratitude and hope. I don't know anyone else in jail and when I asked my husband if he thought there were many college educated inmates, he said I'd be surprised.

We all make bad decisions, lose our way, right ourselves, lose hope, gain hope, act ungracious, show gratitude, the ever evolving human condition. Sometimes our mistakes cost us - dearly, many times we skate on through vowing to avoid pitfalls in the future. Do we ever change? Or do we get to a level of acceptance of what is?

All I know, if I was 43 and in jail, I am doubtful I would have the same inner strength, compassion and gratitude for my circumstances that my friend has. Maybe the lesson is always the same - we learn from others who are less fortunate than ourselves.

For my buddy.

The Zen Out

It is so funny...I have been wanting to write about the concept of rushing (directly relating to my all-time favorite topic: time) and I happened to read my fellow yoga teacher/blogger's blog and she wrote about the same thing. What is even crazier is the other day when we were walking she told me about a class she had taught earlier in the week and I approached a very similar subject (why do we practice yoga?) in my class the next morning. Of course neither of us had been to each other's class. Pheromones? Full moon? Random coincidences?

Since I started this blog and didn't finish it, rushing will have to wait until another time. I am in a new non-rushing zen phase that occurs oh, about once a year, so I am riding it out until my usual self returns. I am a week and a half into a lull at the studio. I even hate to write about it because it means the phone will ring tomorrow, but it is the first time since I started that I haven't subbed or had private lessons and I have TIME. Lovely vacant hours to clean closets, bake, preserve food, be more present with my kids. Not manic, frantic hours where you are on a roll and get caught up because you are ON FIRE, no this is different. I actually have carved out enough time for the first time in a long, long time (maybe NEVER BEFORE???). Saying no is also a big part of it and the more you do it, the easier and easier it becomes. I am trying to savor every sweet second instead of sinking into doubt about my current desires to continue with the studio. Oh, I definitely want to continue with the studio EXACTLY how it is, but life never works like that and change is rearing its head - it is there looming in the distance and I want to fight it with every ounce of my being. Why can't things stay the same? I guess to remind us that isn't the way life works and to teach us to become better equipped to roll with it.

My lease is up in December. In my attempt to be more pro-active, I asked to meet with the owner to discuss our future. Results pending. Whatever the outcome, it means more work for me at a point when I am not feeling the love for more work. I love teaching yoga, don't mind doing the business end, but I need to keep myself free enough to continue to pursue my yoga education and all of the other things I truly enjoy. As my back gets stronger and stronger (being pain-free is also a strong motivator) my passion for yoga as therapy has grown and is a specific field I wish to explore. I have also been really enjoying my volunteer work in Ellie's classroom and am not certain that I want to give up teaching. None of these choices have to be made today, and I am loving the denial phase, but soon I will be forced to make larger decisions. There is always tomorrow. For now, gratitude.

My Sweet L....

My Belle, my Mademoiselle....There is a line in a kid's book, Eleanor, Elletony, Ellencake, or something close to that, that was given to me when Ellie was born. We read it all the time and of course I always call Ellie , either L or Belle, rarely Ellie. Anyways, my sweet L, is turning 7. Birthdays get a little harder as they get older. They get so much easier as they grow, but you are always reflecting upon when they were babes. So, she came up the other night and said, " I need a cuddle" about the sweetest words to any mom's ears. I told her that someday, like when she was 16, she wouldn't want to cuddle and I would remind her then when I wanted a cuddle, how she looked at me in disbelief. When I tucked her in she asked if she could live with me forever and that she DEFINITELY did NOT want to go to college. Of course I encouraged her to live with me forever.

My times with my eldest daughter are not always so smooth. A few times a year, during big transitions, she falls apart. She literally has tantrums equivalent to a two year old. It is awful and leaves a huge pit in my stomach. Her transition to first grade was painful. She endured and I am so proud of her, and quite frankly, of myself for keeping it together, but it might have been our roughest one to date. Just when I was ready to book the child pysch appointment, and soon after my book, "The Explosive Child" arrived, she found her groove again. What it all boiled down to? Connecting. My fellow yoga teacher and I have been walking at the crack of dawn and today she asked me if she thought everyone who practiced yoga saw the world through the yoga lens. I can't say they do, but we as teachers sure do.

Kids are so honest and while it sometimes takes Ellie awhile to connect with her feelings, when she does, she tells it like it is. She hadn't found her one friend to connect with. Of course this came out as, " NOBODY LIKES ME. I HAVE NO FRIENDS" but she is finding her niche and her connections and the emotional roller-coaster has evened out.

But why can't we as adults be so honest? Why can't we let our egos slip away and in times of our own emotional turmoil confess to what it is that really bothers us? Maybe we don't always know, but I do believe a good portion of the time we do. When I moved here and was finding it so difficult to connect, I didn't cry and say, I HAVE NO FRIENDS, even thought that is exactly what I was feeling. My loneliness, loss of self, and ego issues were masked by anxiety and turmoil, most of which I hid. It is so difficult to let down our guard, peel away the armour, and reveal our Self.

And of course, since I see the world through a yoga lens, I am grateful to my practice and my tool for saving myself from myself. I hope my greatest gift to my daughters will be to do the same. I am so proud of my sweet L, she is learning to conquer her emotional distress and find her lens.

I'M BACK

Ok so I have 20 minutes and DAMNIT I am bloggin! No more excuses, no more procrastination! I actually haven't really even pondered why I stopped blogging other than something had to give and it seemed to naturally phase itself out of my life. But in my need to keep making connections, keeping in touch with humanity, so to speak, I have to keep writing.

I have been living with constant back pain since August. Not many people, except those closest to me, would now that. As I FINALLY come out of this excruciatingly long bout, I feel like I can get my head above water again. Living with back pain is another full-time job, and another hat I have no choice but to wear. I accepted a long time ago that managing a bad back is a life long commitment, however, this time I decided to take it a step further and in addition to PT and body work, I had an MRI. It didn't show much except arthritis, which I was thankful for, but at the same time, quite frustrated by. For years, my only goal has been to avoid surgery, but the past few months I changed my tune. Having gotten ZERO relief from my usual remedies, I did start thinking about what it might be like to possibly get some relief through surgery. Now that it looks like it is unnecessary (at least until the surgeon in Seattle tries to convince me I need it.....I am really only self-diagnosing based on the report that went to my primary care doc) I am highly motivated to save myself. It is shocking to me having now had a few pain-free days, how much it just drains you. It really is another full-time job, except a full time job with no rewards, just a series of frustrations and set backs. But now that I can see again, I feel ready to trust in the process.

Yoga is a life-long process. I remember after a few back zingers crying the blues because I would have to start over again - rebuild my practice. Well, rebuilding my practice is what I do best, and really what it is all about - peeling back the layers, moving forward, moving backward, getting frustrated, celebrating success, a continual unraveling to learn more about yourself and tear down some walls.

My Counter Runneth Over

I returned from the farmer's market this morning laden with produce. I have been entirely re-energized by the book, A homemade Life. For those of you food bloggers out there, the author has a blog - Orangette, that is equally as lovely as her book.

Last night we had fresh coho salmon. My husband is the fish cook. It was melt-in-your-mouth perfection. Dressed with nothing more than the bare necessities - dill, butter, and lemon, and poached in foil over the BBQ, it couldn't have been more delightfully prepared by (insert popular chef name here). The green beans from my CSA were so fresh they needed nothing more than a toss in the pan with a splattering of olive oil and plenty of salt. For me, though, the highlight is always the carb. I gravitate toward bread like ( what I really want to write here is "like a crack whore towards crack" isn't that terrible?? But a flowery metaphor doesn't do my carb-addiction justice, so I will leave it at that.) The carb: Ina Garten's panzenella. I skipped the peppers and accidentally forgot the basil, but I read an online suggestion about mixing half of the bread and vegetables a few hours before serving, then mixing in the remaining bread maybe 20 minutes before. You do get the best of both worlds - garlicky, saturated bread, and crunchy chunks as well. Molly, the author, (we're on a first name basis, since most assuredly we would be friends) has a recipe as well, and it was what prompted my memory to last summer when panzenella graced the table at many a party I attended, but why step out when what you already have perfectly fits the bill?

As I was leaving the house this morning for my Sunday yoga class, Shawn was making the girls Dutch Baby. Quite symbiotically I might add, as Molly also writes about it in her book. Shawn of course had no idea , but maybe he is picking up through osmosis my re-dedication to food. Sadly, I missed it, but since I ate almost a 1/2 loaf of bread in the bread salad last night, I needed to skip the carb/oil combo. My mom made this ALL THE TIME, and I might have actually taught it to Shawn. For those of you who don't have a recipe, I liked hers for its simplicity:

preheat oven to 425. Melt 2 Tb butter in a 8 or 9 in. ovenproof pan. In blender mix 4 eggs, 1/2 c. flour, 1/2 c. 1/2 and 1/2, 1/4 tsp salt. Pour egg mixture into melted butter and bake for 18-25 minutes. Don't forget to call the kids over to the oven to see it puff. Serve promptly with lots of lemon and powdered sugar.

Which brings me to my counter (and cup for that matter) running over. I went whole-hog at the market. The energy was electrical and maybe everyone is reading my good friend Molly's book and blog, because it was THE place to be (after yoga of course) on a Sunday morning. it was the market I have been waiting for. Everything is present: the soft fruit so perfectly ripe, it begs for sinking your teeth into it right then and there, (I recommend Johnson Orchards. The owners Eric and Jill are wonderful people and I so admire their dedication to sharing, literally, the fruit of their labor) the vegetables abundant and colorful, and of course who can resist Essencia bordelais for the carb-lovers out there.

The garden tended to, the yard perfectly coiffed by my very own Edward Scissorhands, the provisions from Safeway procured, the local produce overflowing, it has been a perfectly productive weekend.

Oh My GOSH Ohanepecosh!

It is Saturday morning. woke up at 5:45 - really by choice. It is my first day with no obligations until this evening when my dad is coming to dinner. I want to make the most of it. I am reading This Homemade Life - one of my favorite genres, food memoirs, the theme always the same - little stories of the author's life with recipes intertwined. I was lying in bed crying. I finished the chapter of the death of her father and the recipe is one she prepares lovingly the last few weeks before he succumbs to cancer - an egg dish. I asked Shawn if he would make me an omelet this morning. He lovingly obliged. Fresh basil, tomatoes, and mozzarella with day-old crusty artisan bread. Could you ask for anything better?

I plan to garden this morning. I haven't spent ANY time in my garden. While I vowed not to plant one next year, I do have one to tend to this year. Lovingly tend? No, absent-mindedly neglect more like. But I did harvest a lot of snap peas and I am going to yank them and plant pumpkin seeds. Shawn is making fun of me saying they will never grow by Halloween, but it is the only thing the kids asked for in the garden, so I will attempt to honor their sweet request.

Last night Shawn and I watched The Road. I have been avoiding renting it for months. With dark, intense movies that I really do want to watch (such as Precious, which I still haven't worked my way up to) I have to find a framework of one concept and block out the rest. I knew from reading the book it was at its core, a relationship between father and son. When I went to Redbox yesterday (Barbie, of course, for the girls) I decided I was ready. Sure enough, when you view something in the context in which you want to see it, it is slightly less intense. I cried through out - for the sheer beauty of the relationship. It did not disappoint and I found it to be one of the most moving tributes to the father/son relationship ever to be viewed. I absolutely loved it, painful and emotional as it was.

It has been a good few weeks. My mindset shifted on our camping trip with our dear friends to Ohanepecosh two weekends ago. We took the RV and piled in 5 kids and 2 couples and off we went repeatedly exclaiming, " OH MY GOSH OHANEPECOSH!" In between the Moscow Mules (my new summer cocktail) gourmet fish tacos on the open fire, a delightful hike to Silver Falls, skinny-dipping in the stream (kids only), my friend and I broke it down by the campfire. She revealed two things: I haven't owned up to working and I need to hire more babysitters. I have been so attached to this concept of "riding it out" this summer with the studio, but in reality I can't ride it out. It requires my attention and I have been eeking out barely enough time for it so I don't sacrifice the kids' summer. Way too high of expectation. I have had more help this past week and it made all of the difference. I even treated myself to a massage and wine and more breaking it down with said friend over rose at Gilbert Cellars.

Those who know us to our core, like she does, can readily observe and share those areas in our life where we struggle but don't necessarily see (or own up to) ourselves. I am greatful for her insight, laughter, feisty-ness, and honesty. Our bond is unique as we have been friends from birth and remarkably, our daughters are proving to be steadfast friends as well. We decided it was genetic. Our mothers remain as tight as ever and we all love watching the third generation develop this bond as well. I will be devastated when she leaves next week, but we will always have our weeks of summer in Yakima.

Hello Out There...

Is it just me or is anyone else finding the grind of summer exhausting? Seriously. If you are out there, please let me know as I am starting to really doubt my parenting skills. I think the memory of youth I am trying to recreate maybe happened to me beginning at the age of 7 or 8, not 4. Between teaching, prepping to teach (under great duress as I never leave myself enough time), fulfilling the studio obligations (kind of), squeezing in an occasional walk/yoga practice, running a household and most importantly refereeing/ entertaining the kids, I am running all day long. How well am I really doing any of these things? When I feel great about teaching yoga, I don't feel so good about parenting. When my parenting is on, my yoga life is off. How does one strike a balance anyways? Or is it just me? and if it is just me, what is it that prevents me from achieving balance? One of my favorite Desikichar quotes is "the goal of yoga is to act in such a way that all of our attention is directed towards the activity in which we are currently engaged" When I am at the yoga studio I could not be more fully present. It is my reward for teaching. I am in the moment. I am engaged with the activity. At home? Aren't we pulled TNE THOUSAND different directions? My kids need something (mostly my attention - and lots of it), meals to be made, laundry, bills, phone calls, gardening, yard work, and on and on and ON. I rarely feel connected with one task. I clearly am falling short of of practicing what I preach.

I finished teaching at noon. Returned home to STARVING children and a hungry mom - me. Got us all fed, we sat down read a few books, sent them to different rooms for some quiet time ( Piper and Ivy really have a hard time being away from each other, they sneaked into the playroom together after about 10 minutes) Ellie helped me empty the dishwasher (she is such a great little helper), did the dishes - breakfast and lunch, returned a few calls, attempted to tackle the blueberries we picked yesterday-wash, sort and freeze, my mother in law dropped off the beets she is growing for me since mine didn't come up, put them in the pile with the blueberries and now my CSA delivery (at this point...seriously, what is wrong with Safeway??) then off to swim. Could have skipped that. Ellie wasn't feeling well and sure enough, the highlight of my day, she started puking on the way home and poor thing, just let her rip. She is asleep now, but something tells me it ain't over. Got dinner, lost it with Piper, sent her to time-out, fed them, fed myself, emptied Ellie's puke bucket, and at 7:30 Shawn got home and I hit the couch to blog and try and figure this whole thing out....is this just life with 3 kids? Do I make our lives harder than they need to be? (yes, I already know that...too many expectations, but I am working on it.)

How do you practice what you preach? I did one of my favorite breathing exercises in class today: "breathing in compassion, breathing out expectations" and revisited the brahmaviharas (pathways for developing more loving relationships with ourselves and others - today I talked about compassion. ) I have cycled right back to where I started: overwhelmed with my obligations, underwhelmed with my role as a parent, loving my kids to DEATH, but yet doubting my ability to raise them well and yet knowing that this is my yoga - finding the balance because this is IT. This is my life, one shot, one moment, one opportunity......

Better sort those blueberries.

Realism

It is Friday evening - 8:20. Kids in bed, hubby out of town and I told myself I would watch a movie or a show. I use to live for movies. I think because I go to bed so early that when it comes right down to it, it simply gets to be too late. I can't remember if I already blogged about this, but a yoga teacher, Max Strom, said to watch the news once a week. I use to watch the Today show every morning. When you tune out, you get to the point where you can't even tune in - not even for 5 minutes. It is so depressing. I don't feel like I am missing out. Really, the only thing that I ever really followed were the human interest stories anyways. Maybe I pretended to tune in to the latest political outrage, but in reality, I didn't. Even now, I ALWAYS flip to the very last pages of the Time magazine - the human interest section - the movies, books, etc. I think I already consciously know there aren't a ton of good movies out there that I am missing. I LOVE a good movie, but how often does that happen? Like the news, if it doesn't capture the human experience (in a positive light), I am out. I would rather read my book (except I fall asleep). So sad.

I saw a fantastic movie a few weeks ago - Mother and Child. So wonderfully acted, so beautifully told. Annette Bening and Naomi Watts are the adoptive mother and daughter who never meet and spend a solid portion of their lives mourning the loss. It was so.....real. Does that make me a realist? In fact, pre-kids I would thrive on those dark, depressing, intense films that just dove right into the harsh reality of life. I am not much of an escapist - seldom do I really like a mindless chick flick, but the problem is I can no longer watch many of the art films, so maybe that is why when it comes down to it, I don't watch many movies. Then again, maybe I just know our routine - early risers and busy days. A realist.

We were in San Diego over the 4th. My sis in law went all out - she was such a gracious hostess and stocked the house with lots of food and beer - and just went with the flow as we overran her newly remodeled beautiful, modern home. My niece and nephew have to be two of the nicest kids I have ever been around. I am not saying that as their aunt, I am saying that as an admirer of good parenting. They are a direct product of amazing parents - loving, involved, dedicated, and above all else CONSISTENT. I have been floundering in the consistency department this summer - (gonna get right back on that tomorrow). My sis in law took it even a notch higher than food and beer and scheduled a private yoga lesson on the bluff overlooking La Jolla (fabulous). We spent a day at the beach, eating, drinking, talking, FRYING ourselves and laughing at Jeff who said he got stung by a sting ray (he did). We spent a looong day at the zoo, adults drinking margaritas, kids just powering though - animal after animal - (the difference between traveling with 4 year olds as opposed to 3 year olds, is mind-boggling). We hung out at a neighborhood block party and just rocked out to my brother's band ( WTF? Seriously. How can one sibling get all of the talent? No offense to my younger brother - we certainly have our strengths, but playing in a rock band and leading trauma surgeons are not among them...where does that talent come from?? Why wasn't it more equally distributed?) We watched fireworks from their deck and the kids spent endless hours in the hot tub and pool. My other sis in law and I snuck out to Nordstrom Rack and went on a manic shopping spree ( I actually might have drooled at one point...oh the things I miss and didn't even know it, namely, FASHION.) We were gaga. We unknowingly drug our kids on the the Journey to Atlantis water "slide" at Sea World and it is debatable who clung to whom harder - Mommy or Ivy (it was just awful...had I known...but they actually ended up loving it...it is really only me with the lasting trauma), we ate authentic Indian food from two generations of Indian cooks after graciously being invited (all 13 of us) to a friend's ultra-modern, ultra-cool home overlooking Pacific Beach (such lovely hosts....you know if you are immediately comfortable in a home straight out of Architectural Digest it is the sign of gifted hosts). We ate, drank, slept like queens and kings - one night I slept 10 hours (freakin' TEN hours - not sure I have ever really slept ten hours) and didn't think about yoga once. It was a true vacation.

And best of all, I left overwhelmed with gratitude for my siblings and their families. At the end of the day - family is it. It just is. Realism.

Can Tequila and Yoga live Side by Side......?

It is 5:30 a.m. and I am 2 days into a wicked hangover. The irony of it: my hangover is from a surprise party thrown in honor of my yoga certification completion/studio coup. All those gurus don't spend much time addressing hangovers, but I can imagine it is because when you look at the sutras - the study of discipline, cleanliness, non-harming, just to name a few, over-consuming tequila kind of blows those tenets out of the water. Furthermore, the nasty fight I had with my husband 2 hours before the party didn't bode well for setting the stage for a mellow evening. I was feisty and struggling with some conflicting emotions. Those fights are always about so much more than the egg I asked him to make Ellie that morning, and didn't. That old monkey on my back - resentment - was rearing its ugly head and I was bitter about spending my Saturday without attending my usual yoga class, while my husband went flying and completed his household chores, which of course weren't the chores I was hoping for. You have to honor what you need. The balance was off-set and that same fight - you get yours, when do I get mine? came to the surface. Marriage is hard work - worth every single blood, sweat and tear, but if you don't recognize your backsliding before it happens, then that escalating turmoil snowballs and the end result: throwing a cup of water at my husband. (it got his attention, that's for sure.) So, the stage was set for a non-yoga filled evening.

I needed those 3 shots of tequila. All the yoga in the world can't suppress those wild-side tendencies. I seldom let go like that anymore. For one: the repercussions of a hangover and parenting 3 kids is usually enough to stop me dead in my tracks. Secondly, it is rare that I don't have to teach yoga the next day and a hungover yoga teacher is so not appealing. Furthermore, I tend to air on the side of control freak and tequila makes me lose control. So, when a fellow yoga teacher offered to sub, I quite literally grabbed whomever's drink was at my side and powered it down. The tequila quickly followed and I let my hair down (and tried to go streaking and skinny-dipping, but thankfully the party died down.)

The reason we have close friends is so we can let go and step outside our everyday roles. They don't care what we say or do because they are our friends and family and love us no matter what. I had a few PDA (post drinking anxiety, acronym compliments of Amy Fackler) moments yesterday where I asked myself if I had done the right thing: slamming tequila at a party celebrating my yoga accomplishments. Had it not been close friends, I wouldn't have done it. Owning your own yoga business certainly comes with responsibility and if I am going to attempt to live and TEACH those 8 limbs of yoga, then I have to model them. But shedding that role and celebrating with friends (my good friend tequila, especially) is also living my yoga. I was filled with such gratitude that people would take the time to celebrate and was so touched and once again overcome with emotion for my good fortune - to be blessed with friends, family and...tequila.

"Beans, Beans the Magical Fruit...."

It has been a great morning. We have been cooking up a storm and it motivated me to post some new recipes. I have a new favorite granola recipe from Bon Apetit. That magazine has really changed. It is so much less gourmet and like all publications, follows the local food craze movement, so many of the recipes feature lots of produce. I LOVE granola. I eat it by the handful - often. I then moved on to strawberry yogurt bars. After paying $9 for a box of 12 strawberry fancy schmancy frozen yogurt bars, I thought, " I can make these myself. "

Well, it is several days later and like many of my aborted blogs, this one too went to the wayside. I have been catching up on sleep since the yoga blitz and also I can't stop reading Olive Kitteridge. I was on the wait list at the library forever. It is a great, quick read, not oppressively heavy, but not marshmallow whip either. It is about: the human condition. All of my favorite books are, and aren't most books about the human condition? It is a pretty safe bet to answer that when asked about ANY book. I finished Let the Great World Spin (about the human condition via NYC during the time the man in '74 walked the tight-wire between the twin towers.) Apparently there is a great movie out about that feat: Man on a Wire, but just writing the name makes my tummy flip. Any time the story changed in this book to the account of the tight- rope, my stomach would turn. I could barely read it, and as fascinating as I think the movie would be, I could never watch it. Fear of heights. Fortunately, like many good novels, it weaves in and out of these shared experiences during that time period, weaving them together as the book unfolds. Olive K follows that pattern as well. Just when you think there is no way the writer is going to tie this in as well, he, or she, does.

So back to my cooking. It is a humbling experience to say my strawberry bars were a dismal second to Annie's or whatever brand they were. First, I didn't add enough sugar, second, they aren't creamy, even though I used full fat Greek yogurt. They aren't awful, but let's just say the kids aren't begging for them. I am going to work on this recipe and see what transpires. I think I might follow the fudgesicle recipe, but substitute strawberries. Not as easy as the recipe I created (put strawberries, yogurt, agave nectar into blender. blend. put in molds) but maybe they would be creamy. Then again Ivy powered hers down tonight, so maybe I will just tweak that concept.

I am not a "good" cook (very decent, I might add), but I am an adventurous, creative, and healthy cook. I don't like to waste, and am becoming JUST like my mom and grandma before her in that I am even more frugal in certain areas as I age. The upside: Often I rely on what is available to me at that moment to cook. The downside: there are some misses. Honestly though, we do pretty well and tend to incorporate a lot of local goods in our diet. It is important to me and so easy living in this valley. That being said...I am over growing my own food. It is too much work to have a big garden and I am just not that into it, especially now that my CSA delivers on Thursday and I go to the market after my class on Sunday. It is cheap, fast, and easy. Gardening, unless you love it, is not that easy. This will be my last year as a gardner. I am going to use one raised bed for cut-flowers and plant the other with a few herbs and such.

I love letting go of things - especially those things that I do and then suddenly realize I don't HAVE to do them. (Another cross off my list: growing my own flowers from seed. A relatively easy task, but not really.) I think when you start working again you give yourself permission to let go of these things. Or, maybe I just don't like yard work.

So back to food. I have been really into rice and beans. Those that know me know that when I am gung-ho a certain food, or recipe, I will cook it and eat it OVER and OVER again. So, my last batch of beans I was trying to mimic my friend who is an amazing cook. I always try and make things too healthy - which sometimes works, but sometimes not. I was trying to replicate these ranch beans and as I was soaking them the other morning I told Shawn I was making them, but leaving out the bacon. His comment: why bother? Well, true to form, my beans just tasted like a BIG batch of chili beans. They were pretty tasty, but Shawn came home yesterday and informed me my beans "wreck" him. I argued all beans have that effect. He informed me he has NEVER had this problem until I gave up canned beans and started cooking my own. I don't have that problem, and my kids, who loved the last batch, don't seem to either. When I told him I was making veggie chili (which sounds so NOT good in summer, but I am having a hard time coming up with some new and innovative ways to use beans and I still have some to use) he BEGGED me, please no more beans. So I thawed some hamburger and made tacos, not even taco salad, my usual, no I did him proud and served corn tortillas, cheese, meat and avocado and saved the salad for the side (butter lettuce...UNBELIEVABLE. It is one of my favorites and a beautiful head of it was $2 at the market. $2! Love it! ) The tacos were really good and my hubby and kids were in heaven, and actually so was I. Easy prep, easy cook, and I was starving.

This morning I made a batch of my bran muffins (yet another recipe I have done to death, but my kids are eating me out of house and home and it makes a huge batch.) Usually I add blueberries, but am out until the season begins (which I can't believe - in just a few short weeks) so I added zucchini and raisins.

Bran Muffins

This is a great base for all sorts of add-ins – I have done blueberries, strawberries, peaches, raisins, carrots, zucchini…nothing is bad in them! The recipe also makes over 2 dozen, depending on what you add, and freezes well, so you can grab a few for kids’ snacks (mom’s snack too)

2 cups All Bran cereal

2/3 c. wheat bran

2-3 TB flax

1 1/3 c. boiling water

1 1/3 cup whole wheat flour

1 1/3 c white flour

1 TB baking soda

1 tsp cinnamon

½ tsp salt

¼ tsp nutmeg

2 cups buttermilk

2 eggs

3/4 cup sugar

1/4 c brown sugar

½ cup oil

1 tsp vanilla

Mix cereal and wheat bran in a large bowl. Add boiling water, stir well and set aside for 1 hour. Whisk flour, baking soda, cinnamon, salt, and nutmeg in a medium bowl. Add 1 cup buttermilk to bran mixture, stir well. Add remaining buttermilk, eggs, sugras, oil and vanilla, stir well. Add flour mixture, stir well, add your add-ins. Fill lined muffin pans 2/3 full and bake 20-25 minutes at 350.

My kids are in VBS. Or VBW as Shawn calls it (vacation brain-washing) this week. Today they were playing Jesus in the pool. They really didn't get past Jesus in their dialogue, but clearly they were saying it as a lesson from camp, not as a swear word (a common one in our house....) They quickly moved on to mermaid, their favorite game and they had much greater imaginative dialogue. They don't quite get it, but Ivy did have a talk with God this morning. She also launched into a big, long description about the pillows they made today. Since I am trying to be a good VBS participant, I asked her what the message was today and she told me pillows are good for sleeping. When I asked all 3 of them if the message could be, "God's word is comforting" (which is right on the pillow) they looked at me blankly, so I think Shawn needn't worry about any lasting brain-washing. I think the whole affair is sweet. Sweet messages, sweet arts and crafts, sweet songs, all of it good, clean, harmless fun. I lived it as a kid too. So much of summer is reliving your youth.

Overcome with Emotion

The house is quiet. Shawn has to leave at 4:30 a.m. for cherry harvest and I have to leave at 5 am to teach yoga. Who is going to babysit at 5 am? Grandma to the rescue. They just left to spend the night and Shawn went back to work. It is so blissfully quiet. The doors are open, the breeze passing through - I am just one with my computer.

I love summer break. The kids fight, drive me crazy, each other crazy, but I feel like I have all of the time in the world. I can't get over that: how is it possible that they were at school all morning and now being home all day I feel like I have all the time in the world- not every meal is rushed, our mornings (as early as ever) laze by and I feel so much more connected, so much more in the moment with the kids. Then again, it is the way I grew up - swimming every day, lots of treats and fun activities - a mom meeting all of our needs. This life seems natural to me. Even with the week of yoga blitz. maybe that is it too. all of the prep is done and that is always the hardest part. I am teaching so many classes they just kind of flow out of me, then it is home to watch the kids swim - not eek out one more task. My kids are fishes. I was too. I have to drag them out of the pool and it is not even 70 degrees outside. Of course, I swam like that AND the pool was 75, not 88 like it is now. These are the times where you see the beauty of cycles repeating themselves. I can give to them what was given to me.

I do have periods of profound exhaustion. The kids are so good, though. I can say, " kids, mom's going down for 5" as I pass out on the couch. They let me take my power nap and manage to not fight for 10 minutes, or like yesterday, fall asleep on the couch next to me. I need it - desperately. I use to worry about that. I feel like I should have more energy, but teaching takes it out of me - especially back to back classes. Shawn assured me tonight when you are passionate about something and you give it your all, it is exhausting. Particularly tonight. I started teaching my class this morning and the studio was full and suddenly I looked out at these people and i was absolutely overcome with emotion, quite literally overcome. I poured out my gratitude and was so appreciative - for everything - for the turn out for blitz week, for the most amazing, dedicated, passionate teachers, for my re-connection to yoga, for this opportunity to run a studio. I looked out at my yoga teacher/friend and thought of her nearly 3 years later, constantly giving to yoga and receiving so little payment in return, and even if it is for one week - knowing she finally was compensated this week- that she was given back to for all she has given, and daring to believe we can make a go of it. That yesterday 9 people, 9 people would show up at 5:30 am on a FREEZING cold morning to practice yoga outdoors. What dedication. I found myself saying that it exceeded my wildest expectations, but maybe why this has all been so rewarding is because I can say honestly and whole-heartedly, I have had no expectations. I think I do it because I am so passionate about it and know the difference it has made in my life. To be able to live like that - to walk through life without any expectations - the power of that. I felt it today.

What a week. WHAT A WEEK. I feel like my mind has been blown wide open. I have moved from disconnected to connected and am so exhausted, but so calm too. Dare I say that this really is what happens to you when you live your yoga? Every single class I have attended has re-energized, inspired, motivated and FREED me. As I took my studio partner's class yesterday, I felt so much genuine affection and gratitude towards her - things I have taken for granted as I have let the business side rule me lately. To leave class and feel connected, isn't that all you can really ask for? To go home and not be overwhelmed by tasks, but to flow with them instead? To truly see your children, see them, watch them, listen to them play. To peel away the layers, to lift the veil, to see things a bit more clearly - that is what these moments offer. Letting go of the ego, the expectations, the fear, the attachment, all of it slipping away for these periods of time. Not only relishing this phase, but allowing yourself to know it will pass and the next phase you will learn even more.

Finding the Light

I am falling off the blogging wagon. My manic-ness has slowed down and I am not up at all hours cranking out studio tasks. I have been in a funk the past few days. I am struggling with balance. We had a family filled weekend with a ballet recital, a rainy Sunday matinee and guests from out of town. I didn't squeeze out any time for myself and I can feel it. I am struggling with channeling any positive energy and falling flat in my spiritual quest. I am having trouble connecting.

Where do these funks come from?

It is Saturday afternoon and after continuing in my funk all week, I decided to do something about it. The yoga blitz week starts tomorrow. I will be teaching 9 classes this week. I decided if I am going to ask people to up their commitments, I had better renew my own. And to survive it, I need something for myself. I have decided to attend class for 13 days straight. I am day 4. 2 of the days I will have to practice on my own, but the others I am going to class. I need it. I have been more focused on other limbs of yoga and my asana practice kind of cruises steadily along, and I haven't really felt the need to practice, REALLY practice, not just do a few poses here and there until I realized it is possibly contributing to my unbalanced thought processes lately. My husband and I have been NON-simpatico and I feel like I am drowning in tasks - AGAIN. I knew what I needed to do to reach out to him, but I was stubborn and wanted him to do it first. I read my Meditations from the Mat this morning and new what I needed to do - "If you want to end darkness, you can't beat it with a baseball bat, you have to turn on a light." I apologized and vowed to be a better wife. As I read further, I came across a passage I had seen before. Lately this has been happening to me. I will read something and know I have seen it before, or maybe heard it in the context of a yoga class. I think this quote was also in my fellow yoga teacher's blog.

"We do not need to enter a showdown with our self-destructive behavior, nor can we deny its existence. We must simply come to know it, and move on. We learn to focus wholeheartedly on positive behavior."

I have to increase the amount of time, energy and thinking I spend on positive behavior. Period. So after I came home from yoga suddenly overwhelmed with being in charge of 2 high-energy four year olds while hubby and eldest are camping and the seemingly long list of tasks that await me WITH those high energy ones in tow: going to Costco, preparing for my mother-in-law's birthday party, finishing the yard work (what the heck do you do with the freakin' pile of compost that stinks to high heaven?), taking the girls swimming, and doing the final tasks for the blitz week, I re-evaluated. I took the girls to the art show at Chalet (Ivy was 1 inch away from taking out an entire jewelry display), bought myself my first piece of jewelry by local artist Lucy Valderhaug (my old sex ed teacher) ( a bit of a rush decision as Ivy had moved on the wooden figurines), bailed on Costco ( so not into it) and instead let them pick out nail polish at Walgreen's and polished our nails. They are beyond exhausted and asleep and I treated myself to a People magazine, a blog, and the celebration of little successes. I deserve it. If you don't pause to celebrate the good stuff, why bother teaching about it?

Ode to Ivy

My back is spasming. This is the first time it has happened in ages and it wasnt an acute attack, I noticed it spasming after my morning class and as the morning went on it grew worse and worse. I have been icing, doing mini-walks, and taking IBU and some north-of-the-border muscle relaxants that have done nothing but knock me out. Fortunately, I was able to find a sub and canceled my private. I have no idea what the rest of the week will hold, but since it is a busy teaching week I sure hope it is better by tomorrow. The one thing I do know after years of low back issues, if it is bad, it's bad, so I am choosing to lie low and not think about the future.

I had the opportunity to catch up on some yoga readings and in particular I re-read an article about internal busyness. Once again I was reminded of the beauty of the "gap" those periods of stillness where you notice things - where the magic happens. I have been wanting to blog about my time with Ivy last Friday, but spent a good portion of the weekend dodging rain showers and pecking away at yard work, hence the back, I am sure, and cleaning out drawers, again, the back, and while I am confessing, I am sure teaching my many yoga classes with out a lick of exercise last week didn't help much either, but one thing I know about injury: it is my greatest teacher.

The intersting thing about twins is you rarely observe them without the other. I remember when Ivy was maybe 9 months old, I had to take her to the cardiologist and it was the first time in her little bitty life that it was just she and I. I remember how odd it was, and how I vowed then and there to try and do things with them individually. It hasn't happened much, except for the occasional special occasion and sometimes doctor visits. I love those visits! I see them clearly, as individuals. When I was so worried about Ivy's attention span this winter and took her for her well-child check independent of Piper, I saw how wonderfully different she and Piper are. Ivy is her own little individual, independent, curious child who feels life's injustices passionately and doesn't always have the verbal skills to communicate her frustrations. She tries. She says, " I am frustrated" or "I am angry" but Ivy clearly marches to the beat of her own drum. She is Ivy and I accept her and love her exactly as she is, those yellow teeth from one of her many stumbles, her "speeches" you don't always understand. Her dances where she moves that little tooshy. She was so happy to be at the doctor and I can't help but think in part it is because she gets to be the center of attention. After the appointment we got ice-cream and the rest of the evening she was at my side - loving me (she is the least affectionate so it is a rare treat to be loved so freely). Even a trip to the doctor's office can be filled with unexpected gifts.

Tired to the bones

I just finished teaching my 5th class today. What was I thinking? Well, actually, I was thinking it would save me time. I didn't have to go to the studio T and W, but in actuality it is far too exhausting to be worthwhile. But, alas, we can only live and learn. Time, time, time. We all have the same, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why save it?

I have been beating myself up over the fact I have been waking up at 4:30 a.m. But what I realized this week is my body is waking me up for a reason. As a mother of 3 young kids, if I want to work and be present with them, then I have to work those early morning hours and those later night hours. That is the way it goes. So, while I have been worrying that the "spinning" has been waking me up, I think my body has been trying to tell me something - get up because this is the only time you might get today and if you peck away at those tasks, you will be so much more present as the day unfolds.

Isn't it crazy how exhaustion leads us down the path of compassion-less thinking? I can almost predict my patterns, no, I can predict them. Exhaustion=overwhelmed=why-am-i-doing-this?=how can I get it all done=I am not worthy. Like a boulder cut loose on a mountain, this downward spiraling gains more and more momentum until it bowls over everything in its path - it literally fells those newborn trees whose roots have just sprouted.

The beauty of yoga pulls me back and I plant new seeds. As I share my personal struggle of being present with others, as I read and re-read yoga philosophy, I begin to carve out a path. Yes those boulders get in the way, but I also return to my path more easily. My quiet moments remind me that to be truly present, we must first understand the obstacles that lie in our way. Sustaining those contradictory thoughts (I am not worthy) and calming the impulse to eliminate them, helps us to understand why it is we can't be present. Becoming aware of our habits is the first step to understanding them.

Good enough. It is both good and enough. That is why I have no new recipes to share. Pizza tonight and I quite literally scrambled all week - went to make my favorite stand-by - falafel and realized I didn't have falafel mix. No worries, I thought, I will use leftover meatloaf, went to serve them, realized I forgot to make the tzatziki sauce. Pita bread, meatloaf, fresh mozzarella, tomatoes, well I have had worse......it was good enough. It all HAS TO BE good enough.

Trip to the ER

We had our first trip to the ER yesterday. Ellie fell off the couch backwards and crunched her neck. She was very upset, her neck hurt to the touch and she was having trouble bending it. These calls are never easy - go right away? Wait it out? Skip it entirely? She was very emotional, so I waited until she calmed down to really get a handle on the situation. In the meantime, I called my brother who suggested not ignoring neck issues and balanced that with Shawn who felt it was not necessary. It was a easy decision for me: take her. We were so fortunate in that we were in and out in 30 minutes, without any tests and only a sore neck. Should I have waited? Perhaps.

We make the best decisions we are capable of making at the time. Often times our instincts are right - I am pretty good at going with my gut, and this time I felt it was the right thing to do. I also trusted my gut when the ER doc looked to me to make the call about X-Rays. I knew by then it wasn't necessary.

We had a sweet weekend, Ellie and I. She and I walked home alone from a birthday party and stopped and sat a few times. I practiced my breathing and reminded her I am always here for her. We were present. I held her on the couch and calmed her (and myself) while I tried to assess the situation with her neck. We took some deep breaths. I held her in the ER as she was terrified and kissed her sweet, beautiful face. When it was all over I got her McDonalds and myself a coffee and we ate. She was happy. I was relieved. We walked to the neighbors and cut rhubarb to make rhubarb bars (she in her Easy Bake Oven), but by then the adrenaline had faded and I was having trouble focusing and ended up having to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies first when we creamed the butter and sugar. By 3:00 when Shawn and the twins got home, I collapsed on the couch. It is amazing how stress zaps every last fiber of our being. I half deep breathed/slept/listened to the girls play around me. It was a very outer-body experience - a place between wake and sleep, but I was rejuvenated and ready for my Sunday evening Yakima Yoga meeting. We are almost there. I have done all I can do and as we discussed changes to the website and the finishing touches to the promotional materials, I felt good. I don't know what the future holds, but tonight as we signed all the paperwork at the bank, I feel like I have done my homework and can stand behind Yoga Management LLC - whatever path it takes me down. As I missed bedtime (again) tonight because as I am learning, none of these quick tasks are actually quick, I could feel myself spiraling down the path of guilt. It was short-lived. It Takes a Village. Thank you Hilary Clinton. My husband, my friends, my family - everyone is pitching in as I juggle this new role. I am so grateful. The connection my daughters are developing with their dad is beautiful. It is so freeing for me to let go - to loosen those reigns and trust that this is the best thing for all of us.

My friend (I am not sure the etiquette of blogging, but I don't think you are supposed to name names) is a fabulous cook (on Saturday she presented a plate of grilled vegetables that would have made The Barefoot Contessa weep). She gave me this recipe from Bon Appetite. I have made it once and last night Shawn whipped it up. It is sooooo easy (think 10 minutes) and so unbelievably good: Asian Shrimp, Pineapple, And Peanut Salad.

It is rhubarb season. I made these rhubarb bars several times last year. I have a few new rhubarb recipes that I hope to break out before it comes and goes, but sometimes the old stand-bys are best (well, easiest)

Oatmeal Rhubarb Streusal Bars

3 cups oatmeal

2 cups flour

1 1/4 c brown sugar

2 sticks butter

1/2 c. sugar

1/4 c. flour

1 tsp ground ginger

4-5 cups sliced rhubarb

Ginger icing, and 1 Tbsp finely chopped crystallized ginger

Preheat oven to 350. Line 15 x 10 (you could probably use 13 x 9 I just happen to have a larger pan) with heavy foil extended beyond pan edges.

In large bowl, stir together oats, 2 c. flour, and b. sugar. Cut in butter until coarse crumbs form. Reserve 2 cups oat mixture. Press remaining on bottom of pan and bake for 20 minutes.

As that bakes, stir together remaining sugar, flour and ginger and add rhubarb, toss to coat. Spread on hot crust and sprinkle rest of oat mixture on top and press lightly.

Bake for 30 minutes until filling is slightly bubbly (it won't be very bubbly, so don't overbake, maybe even 28 minutes). Cool, then drizzle with icing (1/2 c. powdered sugar, 3-4 tsps milk) and top with crystallized ginger. Lift from pan, cut into bars (they are kind of hard to cut). Store in refrigerator.

True Love

A friend gave me a copy of True Love: A practice for Awakening the Heart by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk. It was very timely as I have been studying the same 4 tenets of cultivating love in the Yoga Sutras: lovingkindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity, which also stem from the Buddhist tradition. He writes about mindfulness and says:

"The most precious gift you can give to the one you love is your true presence. What must we do to really be there? Those who have practiced Buddhist meditation know that meditation is above all being present: to yourself, to those you love, to life."

I am a terrible meditator. I say that with compassion for myself because I keep at it, I really do. Lately, it has been in the form of trying to fall back asleep. So at 4:30 yesterday morning I practiced mindful breathing, as I had been during the night when I woke up periodically. "Breathing - I know that I am breathing in. Breathing - I know that I am breathing out" a simple meditation to connect my mind and body.

Meditation is listening. Erich Schiffman, whose text I studied during my yoga certification, has a quote I often use, "yoga is a way of moving into stillness in order to experience the truth of who you are." Meditation is the vehicle in which to listen. As Shawn and I sat on the couch last night sipping a cocktail ( I should drink more, I should. I am like my Dad when I have a few drinks: fun, communicative, loose, but then a few hours later I want to go to bed, so it is a hard mix. ) I had a stunning realization. One of the reasons I struggle with meditation is I am not a good listener. As I communicated this to Shawn, he totally agreed. Isn't it crazy when you uncover these realizations about yourself that are so obvious to others? I am not a good listener. This is what I love about this transformative practice of yoga. Everything you learn on the mat translates directly off the mat. As you work to peel away these layers - maybe purely from a physical standpoint (learning to listen to your body and as my teacher yesterday reminded us, asking: where are you forcing?) you realize that unfolding is absolutely occurring off the mat.

When I first started yoga, I approached it as a work out. I started yoga because I was looking for a new form of exercise and I heard about this really physical version, Ashtanga. It is a fast paced yoga practice with little time for perfecting alignment and often times classes too large to have personal instruction. In theory, Ashtanga yoga is beautiful. It is all about listening to your own body and learning from it - very experiential. The idea is you peck away at it and eventually it will all be revealed in the form of perfect postures. For strong people and people who are skilled at listening to their bodies, it is perfect, but for (reformed) athletes who view training as "pushing through the pain" it can be detrimental, as was my case. I have reflected a lot on this. At first I was frustrated with myself because I blamed it all on my ego - it got in the way and I didn't listen, but as I delve deeper into the layers of yoga, I realize it isn't just that. When you learn something new you look around and WATCH how to do it, you don't just LISTEN because you are simply trying to learn enough to be able to do it. The intersection between yoga and athleticism is interesting. Yoga is never about pushing through the physical pain, but certainly overcoming non-physical obstacles takes perseverance. I have stopped beating myself up about my early years as a yoga practitioner and my complete disregard for listening because it has 100% defined my role as a teacher. I know what it is like to unlearn bad practices and hope to inspire people to approach it from a healing standpoint, not a competitive endeavor. As for the listening, I told my husband I would really try harder to listen to his flying stories. And as I walked around the house all weekend quoting from my Buddhist book, " I will always be there for you" to my husband and kids, I meant it.

To the lighter stuff: a new recipe this week that we enjoyed: Almost Meatless Sloppy Joes. I have been back into the magazine Cooking Light. They recently underwent a face-lift and their recipes reflect a desire to eat healthier, but not sacrifice taste along the way. I doctored this up by adding some extra seasonings. A few more from my recent Cooking Lights: Grilled Chicken with Mint and Pine Nut Gremolata (with sugar snap peas and feta salad) where I substituted fish for the chicken. I have made this twice and it is excellent. I don't have the link for the snap pea salad but if you get CL it is May 2010. Taking advantage of asparagus season, I subbed it for the peas in Lemon Risotto With Peas, Tarragon and Leeks. Risotto really is easy. Sure you have to stir, but you can still do other things. I omitted leeks and used a mixture of shallot and onion.

The Art of Letting Go

Up at 5:15 this a.m. Tried to use the sweet rhythm of Piper's breath to meditate myself back to sleep, but I could tell - there was no stopping it - the mind was blazing, fretting, spinning. So got up and got to work. I am working on the schedule of activities for our promotion week in June - the Yoga Blitz. At 5:45 Piper came stumbling out. She showed up bedside at some point in the night and I knew if I got up, walked downstairs, it would be another hour for me to fall back asleep. This not being able to sleep is new - well at least new this year. I went through a similar phase last spring. I am energized at night and so I don't go to bed early enough, then the sunshine and birds start in at 5:30 and I am awake and spinning. The only problem: I am exhausted a good portion of the week. Shawn is out of town so I pulled Piper in to bed with me. I can count the times on one hand I have slept with my kids. If my kids are in bed, I don't sleep. Period. But Piper, sweet little thing, didn't move a muscle all night.

How can you resist your kids at 5:45 a.m? Blurry-eyed, sucking on her blankie, Piper just wanted to cuddle. It is my favorite time of the day. By 6:15 all kids were up and our day was rollin'. In between making French toast, lunch, dishes and hair (I am mastering French braids) and putting the kids in front of the TV, I sneaked back to my computer and finished a draft to send to the woman who updates our website. By 8:45 I was bleary-eyed, but determined to exercise before volunteering in Ellie's room. I could feel myself spiraling down that path of "I AM NOT WORTHY," Why am I doing this? Why am I a yoga teacher? I am EXHAUSTED and I have too many commitments. I am obsessed with getting things done by June 1 (most of it rightly so) but I have a difficult time being in the moment - the moment where you tell yourself, it will all get done, it will all work out, mostly because I really don't believe that about myself. Maybe that is the plague of over-achievers...it is never good enough.

It is all about letting go. I have to shed some of the roles I play as super-mom, If not, I will run myself into the ground and everyone suffers, most of all me. I don't put my kids in front of the TV in the morning. We usually have time for a few books and cuddles. I could feel my anxiety growing by doing it, but DAMNIT, who cares? Making French Toast? That was the old super mom who quite literally asked her kids every morning what they wanted for breakfast and made it. Why not? I didn't have anything better to do. This morning when they asked me, I knew I had run out of excuses, I needed to make a breakfast they wanted, but most mornings aren't going to afford that luxury anymore. I have to shed the role of super mom and embrace the role of super mom who teaches yoga and runs a studio. The art of letting go is not a simple task.

Shedding our skins is so difficult. Our habits define us - good and bad, but through the process of recognizing all of our little flaws, all of our tendencies, we begin to glean just a little comfort from knowing ourselves. I know I am a person who gets overwhelmed easily. I set high expectations and am an over-achiever. But tonight as I was teaching, I felt calm, relaxed, confidant - nothing like the person I was earlier in the day. No job has continual glory - not even teaching yoga, but you take the moments that are gifts and run with them - hoping that amidst the fog, these moments of clarity sustain you through the next obstacle.

It wouldn't be a blog if I didn't include a recipe. My kids love breakfast for dinner. It is a nice variation from The Babysitter Meal (pizza, mac, pasta). I always make double batches of pancakes and waffles. They are great after school snacks. I pop them in the microwave, smear a bit of butter and give them to the kids whole - no plates, syrup and all that, save that for breakfast, although if I am feeling REALLY nice, I might spread a dallop of jam. I don't have the pancake recipe typed up, so that is a later blog, but here is my waffle recipe I have modified over time.

Megan's Honey Bran Waffles

¾ c flour

¾ c wheat flour

1/2 c. wheat germ or bran

2 Tb flax

2 tsp baking powder

¼ tsp baking soda

½ tsp salt

Whisk together and add to dry ingredients:

1 ½ c. buttermilk

1/3 c honey, or 3 Tb agave nectar

4 Tb melted butter

2 eggs

½ tsp vanilla

Back to the Basics

I had a great private lesson today. My client is a wonderful older woman who is dedicated to our sessions. I usually make Tuesdays my work day and keep the girls at preschool all day. The past few Tuesdays I have been consumed with studio stuff and haven't allowed myself the time I need to prepare for my lessons. I moved my work day to Monday this week and this a.m. stayed away from my blog and spreadsheet and spent some time prepping for my classes. It doesn't take long to remind myself of the fact I am a brand new teacher. I don't do well "winging it" and I like to plan out and practice my sequences. Usually I come up with a theme for the week and then vary it slightly from class to class and modify for the gentler classes. So, the past few weeks I haven't felt as prepared and I really overwhelmed myself with my study of the brahmavaharas. My dear yoga friend talks about the "authentic voice" and I think because my personal life hasn't been full of lovingkindness and compassion for myself, I haven't felt authentic talking about it teaching. When I find myself getting lost on my yoga path (often), what seems to help is going back to the basics. Focusing on the very first poses I learned and using the textbooks I studied for my certification helps me to get back on track. The lesson that stands out the most is my teacher reminding us all as new teachers to KEEP IT SIMPLE. KNOW WHAT YOU TEACH, TEACH WHAT YOU KNOW. I felt so much more authentic tonight having and following my plan. Even the reading I did from Krishnamurti's "Meditations" felt right, simply because I have read it several times and I felt like I KNEW it. I left the studio...peaceful.

Isn't that life? If we can remember to focus on the basics and not get caught up in the superfluous, life cruises along. To borrow from another yoga teacher, "the lesson is the forgetting" we all forget the basics and the lessons we learn along the path to remembering are really the teacher, not the yoga.

News from the home front: My poor kids! The good news: Ellie finally had a solid poo, but Piper and Ivy still haven't-even after Immodium. So, it is time to visit the doctor, tomorrow afternoon.

I am feeling badly about my dog, Leo. He had surgery last week - a fatty cyst removed and his anal glands irrigated. lovely. Well we got home yesterday morning after our 7:15 a.m. breakfast. Yes, we were at the restaurant at 7:15 on a Sunday. Only the Tweedys. My kids got up at 6:00 and I couldn't bring myself to make the 100th meal of cinnamon toast. We had a nice breakfast then made a run for the border so ellie could "turn on the fan" in her own bathroom. At home, we notice Leo has a gaping wound! All of his stitches across a 6 in incision on his belly came out. And it is not an exaggeration to say it was GAPING. After a call to the emergency vet where we learned it would be $125 to walk in the door, Shawn saved the day and his wallet by steri-stripping the incision. (Shawn might have been feeling badly about the $80 he spent on wine at the auction the night before. Little side blog: Sneaking out of the girls' fundraiser at 9:15 p.m. during the live auction having spent only $5, (which is really bad since the pictures of Piper and Ivy were meant to be $10 donation each) I was secretly celebrating. Finances have been a bit tight and we are really trying to clamp down. Well, Shawn got caught at the front door empty handed and got suckered into buying the wine, which I berated him for the whole drive home...which he was too drunk to notice, AND after we forgot my sis in law and had to go back I learned she bought the WAY cheaper wine, which made me even madder..... Well, got to school this morning and there is a BIG bill for an auction item that I bid on, forgot about, and won. While I claimed to have been dead sober the whole night, I too was a bit tipsy, I now recollect. )

Today Leo went back to the vet and is wearing an ace-bandage body wrap, I am the proud owner of 20 boot camp sessions, and another day is wrapped up at the Tweedy household.

Follow up to the fudgesicles: AWESOME! Kids love them and I made a double batch, which made 16. Tonight we had our quinoa, green bean (except I used asparagus), tomato salad which I would include but I don't know how to link to a word document yet, and my kids had......bread.

Recipes GALORE!

There is another reason I want to blog. I want to "write" a cookbook. I did one before, "Megan's Tasty, Easy, Kid-Friendly Recipes" (or something to that effect) and have been gathering recipes for my 2nd edition. With the taking over of the yoga studio, that summer project is on the back burner. So, I thought I could start posting some of my recipes. My first is Megan's Granola Bars.

I have kind of developed this recipe as I go, so I am taking liberty to call them my own. I don't do much measuring with the add-ins, and really, you can add anything you have on hand. I think they are sooo tasty and my kids like them too. Another easy substitution is to skip adding the nuts during the first phase, and throw in a few handfuls of the nut/dried fruit mix you get at Costco. I used agave nectar. It is sweeter, so you use less.

Megan's Granola Bars

5 cups old-fashioned oats

3 Tb flax

Approx 3/4-1 cup (total) cup nuts, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, etc.

2 Tb canola oil

1/2 tsp salt

3/4 c. brown sugar

1/3 c. agave nectar or 1/2 c. honey

1 Tb vanilla

1 cup dried fruit (cherries, raisins, blueberries, etc)

3 Tb flax

1/2 to 3/4 c. chocolate chips, or 1/2 cup chopped dark chocolate

Heat oven to 350. Stir together oats, nuts, flax, oil and salt. Spread evenly in 15 X 10 rimmed baking sheet. Bake for 18 min., stirring occasionally. Remove mixture to a large bowl, Line same baking sheet with non-stick foil (and it helps to spray with Pam). Lower oven temp to 300. Combine brown sugar and honey/agave in sm. saucepan and cook, over med., stirring often until the sugar dissolves. Remove from heat, add vanilla. Add dried fruit and chocolate to oat mixture. Pour sugar mixture over top and stir well. Spread mixture into pan. Bake for approx. 20-25 minutes. I have underbaked and they were chewy, overbaked and they were crunchy - liked them both.

My latest food craze seems to be trying to avoid preservatives. The last two summers I was all about channeling my inner Barbara Kingsolver as I attempted to incorporate more and more local foods into our diet. It is pretty easy in Yakima. This summer I joined a CSA, since I don't always make it the 2 miles to the Farmer's Market (although I will this year since I added a Sunday a.m. yoga class) and they deliver. So, this summer I am trying to make more of my own foods in an attempt to avoid preservatives - I have no idea why. I made ricotta cheese last week and it was about the easiest thing one can ever make. I would include the recipe, but it is so damn easy, just go online. It does involves a lot of stirring, but you only need milk, and buttermilk or lemon. It was so tasty. The other thing we have enjoyed making is bagels. The girls can actually "make the snakes" and there are enough breaks in between the phases, you can do other things as well. The recipe I use is bagels (so cool, I just learned how to do that!!).

Last week I ate my homemade rice and beans four times. Antojitos, a Mexican restaurant right down the street, sells a dozen tortillas for $3. They are so unbelievably good! Here is the link to the Spanish rice. For the beans, I literally follow the directions on the back of a bag of dried pintos. To mash, I add garlic, few TB oil, and LOTs of salt. Delish! The girls had the trots all week so they lived on toast, cheese tortillas, and applesauce (yes, I do make my own applesauce and luckily I had a few containers in the freezer. How can you NOT make your own applesauce when you have an apple orchard? (5/16: trot update is still not good. Gave them Immodium for the first time today. )

Today's project was fudgesicles. Easy and I am writing as they are freezing. Ellie is getting to be a good stir-er. While the girls are sleeping, she is writing a story. Here it is, unedited and all: "On a cold saturday morninge me and my dog went on a walk we saw a brd siting on a branch an then I saw a bakree and i got 5 donats an I went home." ellie

Lastly, most Sunday's I make hummus. I originally followed a recipe from Barefoot Contessa, but I have made it my own.

Megan's Hummus

1 lemon, squeezed

1 can garbanzo beans, liquid saved

3-4 cloves garlic

3-4 TB tahini

1-2 Tb olive oil

2 Tb olive oil

1 tsp salt

dash of tabasco

2-3 Tb bean liquid

Process all ingredients in the food processor until smooth.

The reason my blog has been so successful is because I have to copy and edit 350 emails into Constant Contact, an email marketing program I am using for the studio. It is very tedious and every time I sit down to do it, I think of other things I enjoy more, like apparently, blogging.

I am a BLOGGER!

It is 6:30 a.m. Saturday morning. Ivy has been waking up before 6:00 the past few weeks. She is a smart one: she figured out I am the only one up and it is her one time during the day to have me all to herself. I love it too. Even though it is my "meditation" time, or time for my physical therapy exercises, these are both things I LOVE to procrastinate doing, so cuddling and reading is soooo much better.

Last night I decided I needed to start a blog. I was reading a book of poetry by my friend's husband, ( book: Down the Road the Children Go) and I was inspired. His poems are mostly written about his kids and for his kids, and like my author friend from Boise, who wrote a memoir for his twins during their time in Italy, I thought: I want to write some memories of my kids, for my kids. I gave up on the baby book long ago, so maybe this can be part baby book. Then again, this may be my one and only entry. So, that's part of it, but the other part is I need to keep journaling to manage my expectations of myself. My expectations are so sky-high and I don't always show myself compassion when I don't reach them (trying to practice the brahmaviharas: the Yoga Sutra and the Buddha taught these 4 pathways for cultivating a more loving, compassionate relationship with OURSELVES and others: lovingkindness-metta, compassion-karuna, joy-mudita, equanimity-upeksha). Writing through my thoughts provides moments of clarity.

I have always needed motivation for my journaling, and for some reason the blog appeals to me. What does that say? I need someone to read my writing? Could be. But, I still have never gotten quite comfortable with a "diary" maybe something about telling my inner most thoughts to no one but myself (who already knows them). Maybe it is my way of embracing technology since I don't Facebook and still feel the need to connect with others. So, what actually REALLY inspired me wasn't just the poetry book, or memoirs for my kids, but the need to write about yesterday. I wiped my kids' butts 10 times. My kids are 6, 4 and 4, and the fact I am wiping their butts is not an every day occurence, but a result of the outbreak of diarrhea that has plagued us for a week, culiminating with 10 " COME WIPE ME's" yesterday. That is A LOT of wiping.

This was a hard week. I talked about mudita (joy) in class and by the end of the week my joy had substantially diminished. In fact, by the time I missed the song singing (as did Piper and Ivy) at the Montessori open house (why call it an "open house" if there is a performance from 6:30-6:40?? ) and Ivy was hysterical and my state of overwhelmed-ness peaking, I just thought, "how am I going to do this? How am I going to run a yoga studio, teach classes, and manage a household?" It was my 5th commitment of the day, I still had our first Yakima Yoga staff meeting that evening and I was flat running out of steam. Luckily, I was able to soothe Ivy and watch her do her lessons at open house before I ran to my meeting. After jotting a zillion more things to add to my to-do list, I was brought to tears. Here in enters the Living My Yoga blog. When you lose perspective, the smallest tasks can seem like mountains. I 100% lost all perspective. Suddenly, all of these task were creeping closer to my June 1 deadline. I can't do it all. After canning asparagus yesterday ( I know. I just wrote canning asparagus and can't do it all in one sentence. That's my problem.) and doing the things I find joy in (yes, canning) the day got easier. My VOJ (voice of judgement here is a link to a great article: http://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/1951?utm_source=DailyInsight&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_content=b&utm_campaign=DI__2010_05_04 overtook my life and left me with a lack of joy for yoga. My dear yoga compadres provided a pep talk and my perspective is slowly becoming less cloudy (yoga=lifting the veil in order to see ourselves more clearly and lessen the suffering). There are always going to be days like Thursday. And there will always be friends to save us from ourselves.