The Art of Letting Go

Up at 5:15 this a.m. Tried to use the sweet rhythm of Piper's breath to meditate myself back to sleep, but I could tell - there was no stopping it - the mind was blazing, fretting, spinning. So got up and got to work. I am working on the schedule of activities for our promotion week in June - the Yoga Blitz. At 5:45 Piper came stumbling out. She showed up bedside at some point in the night and I knew if I got up, walked downstairs, it would be another hour for me to fall back asleep. This not being able to sleep is new - well at least new this year. I went through a similar phase last spring. I am energized at night and so I don't go to bed early enough, then the sunshine and birds start in at 5:30 and I am awake and spinning. The only problem: I am exhausted a good portion of the week. Shawn is out of town so I pulled Piper in to bed with me. I can count the times on one hand I have slept with my kids. If my kids are in bed, I don't sleep. Period. But Piper, sweet little thing, didn't move a muscle all night.

How can you resist your kids at 5:45 a.m? Blurry-eyed, sucking on her blankie, Piper just wanted to cuddle. It is my favorite time of the day. By 6:15 all kids were up and our day was rollin'. In between making French toast, lunch, dishes and hair (I am mastering French braids) and putting the kids in front of the TV, I sneaked back to my computer and finished a draft to send to the woman who updates our website. By 8:45 I was bleary-eyed, but determined to exercise before volunteering in Ellie's room. I could feel myself spiraling down that path of "I AM NOT WORTHY," Why am I doing this? Why am I a yoga teacher? I am EXHAUSTED and I have too many commitments. I am obsessed with getting things done by June 1 (most of it rightly so) but I have a difficult time being in the moment - the moment where you tell yourself, it will all get done, it will all work out, mostly because I really don't believe that about myself. Maybe that is the plague of over-achievers...it is never good enough.

It is all about letting go. I have to shed some of the roles I play as super-mom, If not, I will run myself into the ground and everyone suffers, most of all me. I don't put my kids in front of the TV in the morning. We usually have time for a few books and cuddles. I could feel my anxiety growing by doing it, but DAMNIT, who cares? Making French Toast? That was the old super mom who quite literally asked her kids every morning what they wanted for breakfast and made it. Why not? I didn't have anything better to do. This morning when they asked me, I knew I had run out of excuses, I needed to make a breakfast they wanted, but most mornings aren't going to afford that luxury anymore. I have to shed the role of super mom and embrace the role of super mom who teaches yoga and runs a studio. The art of letting go is not a simple task.

Shedding our skins is so difficult. Our habits define us - good and bad, but through the process of recognizing all of our little flaws, all of our tendencies, we begin to glean just a little comfort from knowing ourselves. I know I am a person who gets overwhelmed easily. I set high expectations and am an over-achiever. But tonight as I was teaching, I felt calm, relaxed, confidant - nothing like the person I was earlier in the day. No job has continual glory - not even teaching yoga, but you take the moments that are gifts and run with them - hoping that amidst the fog, these moments of clarity sustain you through the next obstacle.

It wouldn't be a blog if I didn't include a recipe. My kids love breakfast for dinner. It is a nice variation from The Babysitter Meal (pizza, mac, pasta). I always make double batches of pancakes and waffles. They are great after school snacks. I pop them in the microwave, smear a bit of butter and give them to the kids whole - no plates, syrup and all that, save that for breakfast, although if I am feeling REALLY nice, I might spread a dallop of jam. I don't have the pancake recipe typed up, so that is a later blog, but here is my waffle recipe I have modified over time.

Megan's Honey Bran Waffles

¾ c flour

¾ c wheat flour

1/2 c. wheat germ or bran

2 Tb flax

2 tsp baking powder

¼ tsp baking soda

½ tsp salt

Whisk together and add to dry ingredients:

1 ½ c. buttermilk

1/3 c honey, or 3 Tb agave nectar

4 Tb melted butter

2 eggs

½ tsp vanilla