Tired to the bones

I just finished teaching my 5th class today. What was I thinking? Well, actually, I was thinking it would save me time. I didn't have to go to the studio T and W, but in actuality it is far too exhausting to be worthwhile. But, alas, we can only live and learn. Time, time, time. We all have the same, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why save it?

I have been beating myself up over the fact I have been waking up at 4:30 a.m. But what I realized this week is my body is waking me up for a reason. As a mother of 3 young kids, if I want to work and be present with them, then I have to work those early morning hours and those later night hours. That is the way it goes. So, while I have been worrying that the "spinning" has been waking me up, I think my body has been trying to tell me something - get up because this is the only time you might get today and if you peck away at those tasks, you will be so much more present as the day unfolds.

Isn't it crazy how exhaustion leads us down the path of compassion-less thinking? I can almost predict my patterns, no, I can predict them. Exhaustion=overwhelmed=why-am-i-doing-this?=how can I get it all done=I am not worthy. Like a boulder cut loose on a mountain, this downward spiraling gains more and more momentum until it bowls over everything in its path - it literally fells those newborn trees whose roots have just sprouted.

The beauty of yoga pulls me back and I plant new seeds. As I share my personal struggle of being present with others, as I read and re-read yoga philosophy, I begin to carve out a path. Yes those boulders get in the way, but I also return to my path more easily. My quiet moments remind me that to be truly present, we must first understand the obstacles that lie in our way. Sustaining those contradictory thoughts (I am not worthy) and calming the impulse to eliminate them, helps us to understand why it is we can't be present. Becoming aware of our habits is the first step to understanding them.

Good enough. It is both good and enough. That is why I have no new recipes to share. Pizza tonight and I quite literally scrambled all week - went to make my favorite stand-by - falafel and realized I didn't have falafel mix. No worries, I thought, I will use leftover meatloaf, went to serve them, realized I forgot to make the tzatziki sauce. Pita bread, meatloaf, fresh mozzarella, tomatoes, well I have had worse......it was good enough. It all HAS TO BE good enough.